Why We Need to Fail Sometimes

What if failure isn't something we need to avoid?

This can be a difficult idea to sit with. Most of us are feel shame around failure and do our best to prevent it and who wants to make mistakes!

And when something doesn't work out, we often want to make sure it doesn't happen again.

There is nothing wrong with wanting things to go well. But sometimes our fear of failure becomes a fear of experiencing the emotions that come with it: disappointment, embarrassment, rejection, uncertainty, sadness, or shame.

We can become so focused on avoiding bad feelings that we start avoiding the experiences that might bring them up.

The more we try to make sure we never feel bad, the harder is it to experience bad emotions and distort the value and importance of bad emotions. There are good reasons we “fail” and why failure is important and not something to be avoided.

Real Confidence Comes Persistence

We often think of confidence as believing that we will succeed; “I know I can do this.” And sometimes confidence does look like that.

But I real long term healthy confidence and self-esteem comes from overcoming obstacles or seeing you can trust and rely on yourself.

“I don't know if this will work out, but I know I can handle it if it doesn't.”

There is a big difference between the two.

If your confidence depends on knowing that you will succeed, then failure becomes threatening. It becomes evidence that maybe you aren't capable, smart, talented, or good enough. But if your confidence is based on trusting yourself that you can cope with whatever happens, failure becomes much less powerful.

• You can apply for the job even though you might not get it.

• You can try something you've never done before even though you might be bad at it.

• You can tell someone how you feel even though you don't know how they will respond.

• You can make a mistake and know that you will figure out what to do next.

It’s not about everything working out all the time or everything feeling good all the time. Its about developing life long skills and beliefs that you can survive, regroup, and thrive through difficulty

We Don't Get Better at Distress by Avoiding It

Distress tolerance is the ability to experience difficult emotions without immediately needing to make them go away. This doesn't mean you enjoy being distressed. It also doesn't mean that you should stay in situations that are harmful or accept things that need to change.

It just means that sometimes discomfort is something we need to experience rather than immediately solve.

This can be surprisingly difficult.

• When we feel anxious, we might drown in the panic.

• When we're uncertain, we ruminate to try to gain certainty.

• When we're embarrassed, we catastrophize and put ourselves down.

• When we're sad, we might avoid or numb.

• When we're rejected, we might nitpick yourself on all the reasons your not worthy.

These responses can make sense. Our brains and nervous systems are often trying to protect us from suffering. But there is a difference between responding to an emotion and trying to make sure you never have to experience it. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can learn is:

“I don't have to make this feeling go away right now.”

I can be uncomfortable.

I can be disappointed.

I can feel embarrassed.

I can be uncertain. And I can still be okay.

Avoiding Failure Can Make Failure Feel More Dangerous

If you rarely allow yourself to fail, failure can start to feel enormous. A person who has spent years trying to get everything right may experience a small mistake as a major threat to their sense of self.

This is especially common for people who are perfectionistic or who have learned to connect achievement with worth.

• If I do well, I'm worthy.

• If I make a mistake, something is wrong with me.

• If I succeed, I deserve love/good things.

• If I fail, I need to figure out what went wrong immediately.

This creates a lot of pressure. It can make it harder to take the kinds of risks that allow us to grow. You may know that you want to change careers, but you're afraid you won't be good at the new job.

• You may want to date, but you're afraid of rejection.

• You may want to start a creative project, but you're afraid it won't be good.

• You may want to have a difficult conversation, but you're afraid of what the other person might say.

If avoiding discomfort becomes the priority, it becomes very easy to stay with what is familiar. You don't fail. But you also don't get the opportunity to discover what might happen if you tried.

Vulnerability Requires the Possibility of Being Hurt

This becomes especially important in relationships. We often talk about vulnerability as though it is simply the act of opening up. But vulnerability also means not knowing what will happen when you open up.

• You can tell someone that you love them without knowing whether they feel the same way.

• You can tell a friend that they hurt your feelings without knowing exactly how they will respond.

• You can admit that you're struggling without knowing whether the other person will understand.

• You can ask for what you need without knowing whether someone will be able or willing to give it to you.

That uncertainty is part of what makes vulnerability vulnerable.

If we only open up when we are certain that the other person will respond exactly how we want, we're not really taking much of a risk. Real connection requires some willingness to tolerate uncertainty. And sometimes, that means being willing to experience discomfort.

Relationships Aren't Built by Everything Going Well

There is also something important about the difficult moments in relationships.

A healthy relationship isn't necessarily one where nobody ever gets upset, misunderstands each other, or disagrees.

Sometimes relationships become stronger because people learn how to navigate those moments.

Someone gets hurt.

You talk about it.

Maybe you don't immediately understand each other.

You listen.

You apologize.

You explain.

You try again.

And eventually you learn something important:

“We can have a difficult moment and still be okay.”

That can create a deeper sense of safety than simply never having conflict.

There is a difference between believing:

“Nothing bad will happen in this relationship.”

and:

“Bad things might happen sometimes, but we can work through them.”

The second kind of safety is much more realistic.

And it requires distress tolerance.

Success Feels Good When It’s Earned

Think about the difference between accomplishing something that was easy and accomplishing something you weren't sure you could do.

Both are successes.

But they often don't feel the same.

When you've struggled with something, finally succeeding can bring a sense of relief, pride, and even surprise.

You might think:

“I actually did it.”

The difficult part didn't make the success less meaningful.

It often made it more meaningful.

This doesn't mean we need to seek out failure or make life harder than it needs to be.

Failure can be genuinely painful. Rejection can hurt. Disappointment can hurt. Sometimes things don't work out in ways that are fair or easy to understand.

The point isn't that suffering is good.

The point is that our ability to experience difficult things can give us more freedom.

If I know I can tolerate disappointment, I'm more willing to take a chance.

If I know I can survive rejection, I'm more willing to be vulnerable.

If I know I can make a mistake and recover, I'm more willing to try something new.

If I know I can experience anxiety without immediately solving it, uncertainty becomes a little easier to tolerate.

Feelings Aren’t For Fixing

We live in a culture that is very focused on feeling better all the time.

There are endless strategies for reducing anxiety, managing stress, improving your mood, regulating your nervous system, and becoming more productive. These things can be helpful. But we have accidentally created another expectation:

I should be able to feel okay most of the time.

And if we aren't okay, we should figure out why and fix it. But emotions aren't problems to solve every time they show up.

Sometimes sadness is just sadness. Sometimes disappointment is just disappointment. Sometimes you are nervous because something matters to you. Sometimes you feel embarrassed because you did something embarrassing. Sometimes you don't know what is going to happen next.

We don't necessarily need to turn every uncomfortable emotion into a lesson or immediately find a way to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we can simply notice:

“This is hard.”

And then allow ourselves to experience it.

What If You Trusted Yourself More Than You Trusted the Outcome?

A lot of anxiety comes from trying to make sure things turn out okay.

If I can make the right decision, everything will be fine. If I say the right thing, they won't be upset. If I prepare enough, I won't fail. If I understand what someone is thinking, I won't be surprised. If I avoid making mistakes, I won't have to feel embarrassed.

But we can't control all of those things. Other people have their own feelings. Circumstances change.

Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes people don't choose us. Sometimes things don't work out even when we did everything “right.”

Trying to guarantee a good outcome can become exhausting. Learning to trust yourself is different. Instead of asking:

“How can I make sure this works out?”

You can start asking:

“If this doesn't work out, can I handle it?”

That question gives you something you can actually have some control over. You may not be able to guarantee that you won't fail. But you can become more confident that failure won't destroy you.

To Be Whole Is To Embrace All

A meaningful life is probably not going to be a comfortable one all the time.

You are going to make mistakes. You are going to disappoint people sometimes. People are going to disappoint you. You are going to experience rejection. You are going to have difficult conversations. You are going to feel embarrassed. You are going to try things you aren't good at. You are going to have days where you don't feel particularly confident or happy.

None of that means you're doing life wrong.

In fact, some of these experiences are connected to the things we value most. You can't be vulnerable without risking rejection. You can't try something new without risking failure. You can't deeply care about people without risking disappointment. You can't build confidence without having opportunities to discover what you're capable of handling.

The goal isn't to stop experiencing negative emotions. It's to develop a relationship with them that gives you more freedom. To be able to say:

“I don't like this feeling, but I don't need to run from it.”

“I don't know how this will turn out, but I can handle not knowing.”

“I might fail, and I can try anyway.”

That is distress tolerance. And maybe, in a strange way, that is also where confidence begins.

Ready to Build More Trust in Yourself?

If you find yourself spending a lot of energy trying to avoid failure, uncertainty, rejection, or difficult emotions, therapy can be a space to explore what you're protecting yourself from and what those strategies may be costing you.

You don't have to learn how to enjoy discomfort. But you do need to learn how to tolerate it, understand it, and trust yourself when it shows up.

Sometimes confidence doesn't come from knowing that everything will be okay. Sometimes it comes from knowing that you will be okay, even when everything isn't.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

I offer a free therapy consultation where we can talk about what you're experiencing and explore whether working together feels like the right fit.

You don't have to eliminate difficult emotions to build a meaningful life. Sometimes, learning that you can experience them and still move forward is where a deeper sense of freedom begins.

Book a Free Consultation Here